what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
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I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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I can't trust your balls anymore.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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