I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
