a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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