my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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