Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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