I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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