birth control should be required to get into college
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
