Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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