Just fell off a train. Bad.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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