So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
