If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
