Kiss
Puke
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
