nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
