Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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