I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
