I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
