But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
