So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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