I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
organizing the empties. That sober.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
