Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
