You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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