Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
