If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
