I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
