I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
