I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
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Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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