The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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