Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
