There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
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we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.