is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.