Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
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you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
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I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"