i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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