dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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