i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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