Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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