I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
