we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I will pee on everything he values.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
