This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
