im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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