You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
