Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
