if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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