I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
