If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
