Betty ford says i'm here all night
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
