I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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