Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
