Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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