3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
