I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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