by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
