I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He better not be in your backpack
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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