Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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