Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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