It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
