Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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