Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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