Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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