I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
