I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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