she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
