I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
