11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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